some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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