I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
