sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
