apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
