You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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