So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
