Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize