I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
