GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
