i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
