the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
