I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
