nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
