i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
