life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
