Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
