Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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