what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
