words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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