I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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