No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up under a house in Key West
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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