Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
