So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Found the puke drawer
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
