I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
