sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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