it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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