She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize