walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
