Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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