mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
