i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
