Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I am naked and annoyed.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
