My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
