I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
wrigley field is MILF paradise
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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