p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
