her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
