you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
