they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
