a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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