mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
