The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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