3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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