Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Who died my cat blue again?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize