I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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