Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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