Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
