can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
