tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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