im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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