i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
