Sacagawea was the original milf.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
