Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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