Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
A bitchslap is in order.
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