you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
