I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
