At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
