Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize