If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
