no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
