There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
