im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
