I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
